Finding Berringer

While assembling my bibliography for the next semester, I found myself returning to the intellectual territory of trauma, how it operates, pre-post-sub-lingual- liminal etc... and thought... whoa... stop now..
This is so out of balance! How can I incorporate the healing work of my practice in this drama without getting sucked back into the endless stories? The long whine of abuse, guilt....
Being fairly pragmatic (once in a while I am) I decided to do the right thing.. google the words that framed my intention for this semesters work..

And there it was, staring me in the face.. I know these people, their work, their writing.. I am even in some of the books portrayed as an artist doing this healing work. I designed the cover for what is going to be an incredible resource for the very field in which I am engaged.. and yet I have disconnected from it? Deciding not to tease out the why, I put aside whatever keeps me from embracing the work I am doing, and muddle through the fear, the reluctance, the annoyance.. (it is still there) and stay focused on the work itself, the power of it and the spirit of the community where I work. Reading "The Map that Changed the World" helped me remember the solitary path of the one asking the questions, the ones that get the blank look, or 'this is work that is already out there, nothing new..' .. erasure...
Why do I erase myself from the picture? I am where I am, I belong to this place I carry with me, I am with me all along the way...
I may always have the voices that say I am not worthy, good enough...a disappointment, not perfect... they are the arrows I must transform .. Somehow I thought that once I knew they words,they would go away. The anger I feel is more towards my own laziness or resentment/assumption that this is a fix instead of a process.
The subtle message of 'help' is that there is something wrong, bad.. external, that can be seen, judged, shamed... While the work that I need to do is internal, it is leaking out on to the people I care about...
So, I have to get to work on the two workshops that I am presenting. I can not wait to hear if the lump is back...and the process of good clear work, will clear up the lump, right? And I was thinking of dropping my health plan anyway, so the County got there first, what does that matter? And so what if I did have a small stroke and cannot trust my spelling or memory or CLP mechanisms..? This is the field I have chose, and now I am the field work...
Though, I think I should get the documentation about the language processing disorder.. because that will make Devora's job less personal on both sides...