returning home

Thinking I would stop in a hotel on the way home... and then finding no vacancies in Maine, New Hampshire.. I finally settled for some sleeping in my car. Not the best idea. NO pillow. kept losing sensation in legs and arms... needing to find a rest stop.. always a consideration.. I felt closer to the homeless in a self selected, stupid way.. at least I can sneak into a Mc Donalds and not get tossed out... if I can find one open all night... in the end.. they were open for Drive in only.... I fantasized about drive in bathroom facilities.. how would that work..?
In any case, I drove straight through to Maryland, arriving at noon. The full heat of the day took my breath away. My plants in the front yard were dead. The fence around the property is still incomplete. The dust from the cleared lot behind my house hangs like a cloud over the back yard. There are no trees any more. This is something I have a hard time accepting.
I go in through the garage.. The cat's bowls are all empty. I call for Grendel. I hear a faint cry. He is purring like crazy.. He is healing himself from my neglect? Loneliness? Hunger?
He is setting up a huge purr session, rubbing all his ungroomed loose long hairs everywhere. They get in my mouth and cover my shirt that seems to be a hair magnet.

I am numb with exhaustion. I can only do some small things, like bathe... make tea... and go to sleep.
I nap most of the day, noticing there is a growing lack of sensation in my legs. Whenever this happens I look at my legs. They seem larger than I remember. I know this is a projection of my fear around the gradual loss of feeling. Maybe I should measure them. Sometimes after a long drive or a long time sitting, this happens and it goes away after a few days. I believe this will happen this time too. I decide to do some of the sciatica exercises from my physical therapy. After a few sets, my back hurts more and my legs feel less. So , I get some ice and take some more Advil.

I make a start at the bibliography for Devora.. It seems disingenuous... the bibliography has only a tangential reality for me.. I thought I was talking about my annotated Bibliography for my G3 progress report, but it seems 'We' were talking about my bibliography for this G4 semester. I thought I was talking about setting up the frame for my portfolio and nailing down the work that I have done toward completing the degree requirements. But 'we' must have been talking about something else. I thought I was making decisions about how I was going to proceed so it seemed very strange when Devora said, " I am going to hold you to this"... I still haven't completely processed what she meant by that. The lawyer in me wants to know if this has arisen out of some past packet work with my past advisers, or whether this is just something she does... like outing folks on their lack of honoring their word or something...
I had been looking forward to working with Devora... My reluctance about her as an adviser had come from admiration of her expansive mind... and how new lines of inquiry might throw a wrench into the works...but now something new has come up... maybe she is too much of a teacher for me... I am the one who is in control of my work at Goddard.
Or maybe not?